Once, Always and Forever
by spheeris1
Summary: [light U/A] 'I don't move, I don't dare move....'


Once, Always and Forever  
By spheerisl  
Pairing: light Utena/Anthy  
Warnings/notes: Utena POV, angst, surreal sorta stuff....

----

  
I woke up one morning, eyelids feeling too heavy and my arras not willing to push the blankets from me.  
Did I not sleep well?  
Did I dream too much?  
The sunlight filters in through the curtain and details my room, catching on silver photo frames and the dust  
gathering on my desktop.  
I should clean up.  
I should do the laundry. I should get some food for the kitchen.  
Those are things I should do.. .but I cannot seem to rise from bed.  
I just want to sleep... and to try to dissolve into the mattress... and to disappear from this place that seems so unlike  
my home.  
I lay here, eyes traveling the lines on the wall, on the ceiling, on the contours of everything in this room of mine.  
My room.  
Filled with my things.  
Filled with what is supposed to be me.  
But it feels empty and cold and.... and wrong....  
I should be happy, I should be alert and up and moving.  
But I don't move, I don't dare move.  
Something is missing, something is off.....I cannot put my finger on it exactly, but something is terribly, terribly  
wrong here.  
Beyond the door is my living room. Then the kitchen. A bathroom to the left. A door out into the hallway, the  
hallway to the stairs, stairs to the lobby, lobby to the street below.  
Me on the thirteenth floor of this brown and bland apartment building.  
Me, at home.. .yet not at home.  
I awakened this morning and felt completely lost. Like something was pushing at my brain and forcing it into  
darkness, into a place I did not know nor trust.  
The edge of my conscious mind.  
Over the side of that cliff lay unknown territory, dreams and desires and forgotten memories...  
I can't find the energy to fight them off anymore.  
I can't get out of this bed or move my feet or raise my arms or keep my eyes open.  
Something is cutting the nerves bundled under my skin, causing them to fray and fly apart.  
Something.... someone.... something... someone.....  
I don't move....  
I don't *dare* move.  
My breath is shallow and scared, a painful force in my lungs. My pale hands grip the sheet as if they are my only  
link to life itself....  
A thin rope for me to hold onto before the abyss swallows me whole.  
'always and forever, you and I... ..never say never and we can fly....' Two sides of me, talking at a street-side cafe. One drinking coffee. One drinking tea.

They stare at me briefly and then continue in hushed tones, eyes occasionally darting my way.  
Eyes that mock and laugh and judge.  
One in a uniform of blue. One in a dress of pink.  
Quietly they speak.. .words I cannot hear... .and they watch me warily.  
As if they cannot stand me. As if I am someone to avoid at all costs. As if...as if.......  
The one in blue offers a beautiful red rose to the one in pink.  
And she accepts with a modest blush, a bow of the head....long fingers careful of the thorns.  
She offers her hand to the other.  
And the one in blue kisses the knuckles with eyes closed.  
As if....as if....  
'Always and forever, you and I....' the one in blue says softly, eyes shining with love pure.  
'Never say never and we can fly...' the one in pink counters, a small smile gracing her lips. I murmur the words with them. As if...as if.....  
As if I know them by heart.  
I am standing in front of class. Tiny beads of sweat dot my forehead.  
Is it that hot or am I that nervous?  
The paper is in my hands. Black ink sentences for me to read aloud, the topic very familiar to me even though I do  
not remember writing it at all.  
'A Princess and Her Story by Tenjou Utena'  
I begin reading aloud, but I am interrupted by the sight of hands shooting upward.  
'Yes?' I ask. pointing to a boy with blue hair.  
'How can she be a Prince and a Princess? That is not possible.'  
I shift on my feet. I didn't think anyone would ask me questions, I thought the answers were obvious...  
I thought it made sense.  
'Because she wants to be.' I answer, sounding defensive to my own ears.  
'But one would ultimately be betrayed by the other.. .don't you think?' A young man with long tresses of crimson  
hair spoke, his eyes casually scanning the group of students. The question was open to all.  
And I was losing ground, losing control of this conversation... losing control of my thoughts.  
'The Prince would want to serve as would the Princess....just in different ways. In the end, both would perish.' A  
young lady with curls of pale orange stated, arms crossed in a show of confidence,  
'That's not true!' I shouted but they did not seem to listen at all.  
'The Princess is weak and drags the Prince down. All the noble ideals that the Prince cherishes are merely folly for  
the Princess....the Princess should be eliminated.' Another young man declared, his hair of green seemingly wild  
upon his shoulders.  
I am crying now, begging them to hear me....to listen to me.. .to tell them that both can exist.  
Both must exist....they must.....otherwise, what would I be?  
Who am I?  
'You left us.' The one in blue said.  
'You chose the Prince...' The one in pink huffed.  
'No, you chose the Princess.' The one in blue retorted.  
'But you betrayed us both.' They answered in unison.  
I was sobbing, tears spilling over the surface of my eyes and down my cheeks... .salt caressing my lips in a bitter  
kiss and falling off my quivering chin.  
I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I didn't mean to leave anyone behind. I didn't mean to lose the fight. I didn't mean  
to give into temptation. I didn't mean to choose like this....

I just wanted my life to be complete.  
I just wanted to feel sane and real and alive.  
I just wanted to find someone to love me and protect me and let me protect them.  
' Always and forever, you and I... never say never and we can fly...'  
I know those words, I said those words once.. .to my Princess, so long ago....  
I tried to grab her hand and make her fly, make me fly... .I tried to be a pair of wings.  
Told her to picture us sailing high, in each others' arms, the sunlight coating us in never-ending warmth.. .that we  
would be together, forever.  
Told her to trust me, told her to believe in me, told her to throw away all she had known and run away with  
me... to run away from this place and never look back.  
But I was talking to myself.  
Trying to coax my heart and my mind to work as one, trying to save with one hand and kill with the other.  
And past my internal struggle for dominance, I watched Fate slip away with Anthy.  
Watched the shadows claim her and pull her away, her body limp but her eyes begging me.. …pleading for me to…  
come after her....  
Once I realized, though, it was too late.  
She was gone  
And I didn't fly away with her.  
I don't move, I don't dare move.  
I know it is nighttime again now, the day passing by almost quickly.  
My muscles are knotted and tight from the tension, but I do not let up.  
Something is bothering me. Someone is inside of me, screaming and yelling and scratching and clawing.  
I can feel tears in my body open wide and bleed.  
I can no longer see the shape of this room, all the color is drown in black.  
Something is wrong. That I know without hesitation...without a doubt.  
Someone is missing, someone is lost...and I can't find them.  
No matter how hard I try, I just cannot find them and bring them home.  
Home to me.

  
END


End file.
